In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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