You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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