i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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