hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
