had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
