It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
