Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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