Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
