I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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