i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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