he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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