Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
it glows. i had to have it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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