Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
