just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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