Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
