2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
