I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
