O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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