I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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