yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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