And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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