News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
