Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
