rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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