The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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