the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
