It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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