Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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