She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
