Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
