I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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