Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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