Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
