I just threw up on my dentist
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
