And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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