8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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