Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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