I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
