I am puke
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
