I skipped work to stalk him.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
