Who wears a wallet chain?!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
