if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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