I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
