She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
