and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
