I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
