She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
