Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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