The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
