I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
