Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
