My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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